all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
