i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
