So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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