Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
