my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize