Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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