I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
