What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
