apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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