you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was not drunk enough for that final.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
