Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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