I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
