Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
