my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
