i don't like sucking hair
I hope mine doesn't look like that
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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