By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Success! We fucked roommates!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
