It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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