she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
