and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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