Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
