I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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