you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
