fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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