Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
