I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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