Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
the liver wants what the liver wants
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
