Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
