Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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