so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
