3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
