hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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