too bad you live with your parents still
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
