My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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