im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
