it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
