i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
