I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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