I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
