Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize