I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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