I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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