I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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