it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I am available for nakedness
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
