Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
