after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
