I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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