We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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