The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
