please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
