I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
