I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
