I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
