So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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