I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize