You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
