The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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