why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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