Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
