i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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