All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize