Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
