Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
